You Think You Have Problems?

So what's your problem?  Everybody has on.  At least one.  Have you ever had one of those conversations where everybody is trying to out do each other on how bad they've got it.  Is it misery loving company?  I'm not sure.

So we can get caught up in our own misfortune.  I think that we suffer from the delusion that if we have it worse than everyone else, than we have the justification to do nothing about it.  But there is another side to facing a problem, it is your capacity to overcome it.  If I get sick, that's a problem.  Here in the US I can go to a doctor or hospital and I may be able to be treated.   This same illness is a much bigger deal in an undeveloped country that does not have the same access to health care.

Fortunately, Christians have access to the ultimate capacity for problem solving.  No matter what problem we are facing it is not bigger than God.  The Holy Spirit works through us and through those around us to create opportunities where only problems exist.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God -Philippians 4:6

And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” - Mark 11:22-25

So we all have problems.  After a while we just get used to them.  Managing them becomes part of us and what we do.  However God can give us victory over these problems and the other ones we haven't noticed yet.

What Is Your Passion?

One time I was getting a hair cut and I noticed that the barber had a lot of old baseball memorabilia on the walls and shelves around his shop.  As he was cutting my hair I made a comment about it and he started telling me about it.  You could tell he was really into this collection and baseball history and it was really interesting.  I wish that he would have cared as much about giving a decent haircut as baseball.  When a barber says, "In a couple of days you won't even notice that spot,"you know it didn't go well.

 

So what are you passionate about?  What stirs you inside and makes you notice.  Picture this, you are about to sit down to dinner and the phone rings.  What could that call be about that would make you want to skip the dinner and get right at it.  

If you can't think of anything, maybe what you are most passionate about is that dinner.

So what cause do you care about and how can the skills and gifts that God has given you help in advancing that cause?  

Some workers just show up, phone it in, go through the motions.  They are doing there job, nothing more nothing less.  And we need those people.  Sometimes a job just needs to be done.  It would be great if someone felt a passion for shoveling snow, but in the mean time, the walks need to be cleared.  That being said, the person who just shows up does not have close to the impact of the person with passion.

Focus

Can you multi-task?  Once I was on facebook and I am having a chat-conversation with someone and what do you know, a second chat window pops open and another person starts chatting with me.  I know teenagers who can carry on a eight different conversations between text, snapchat, facebook and the like.  For me, two is one too many.

Brain research says that true multi-tasking is impossible.  The brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  We can do several things poorly, but we cannot do multiple things as well as if we did each, one at a time.  The problem is that our world does not often give us the luxury of one thing at a time.  When was the last time that you were able to move through a task from beginning to end without someone trying to interrupt you?

And so far we are talking only about the mundane tasks that make up our days.  If we are talking about the important stuff, real change, purpose, that type of thing, there will be people who are actively working against it.  They have a different point of view or a different position.  They are profiting from the status quo and hate to see it end.  

God has a purpose for out lives and we need to stay the course and keep from being distracted. Whether those distractions happen because of busyness or opposition we need to keep focused on the goal.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. - Collisions 3:2

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. - Philippians 4:8

I keep thinking of hall of fame running back Barry Sanders.  He was hard to stop on the football field.  He would get bumped and blocked, but he would pivot, spin, side step, jump whatever it took to keep moving down the field.  If he did get knocked down he was back up next play wanting to do it again.

When trying to accomplish our goals we need to be like #20.  Pivot and spin from the distractions and keep our eyes focused on the goal.

And Then Some

George Toma has been a groundskeeper in Kansas City for several decades.  Though now retired, he had been the head Groundskeeper for the Kansas City Athletics, then the Royals and the Chiefs.  He was chosen to supervise the grounds crew for every Superbowl, two Olympics and the World Cup.  Permanently upbeat he was quoted as saying that in 70 years of baseball, he had never met a bad player.

George Toma made excellence part of his life by subscribing to the motto, "and then some." His philosophy is to do everything that you need to do ..... and then some.  If you live that way long enough, excellence becomes a habit.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. - Philippians 4:8

 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, - Collisions 3:23

 There are people and organizations that are consistently excellent.  Think about actors or actresses that you have never seen in a bad film.  Everything they do is excellent.  Some brands we buy consistently because they are always good.  We go to that mechanic, get our hair cut at that place, go to that restaurant.  We know what people and places are committed to excellence.  As Christians, we are called to be one of those people.

Excellence needs to be a habit or it's just luck.  I think about fast food french fries.  Sometimes they are hot fresh and crisp.  Other times they are soggy and limp.  Some people ask specifically for fresh, or for no salt, so that they have to be made fresh.  When you get good ones it's just luck not excellence.

So is our life, our work, our walk, our testimony more like George Toma and his attitude of "and then some" or is it like the french fry guy, "maybe they will be good, but maybe not."  God is calling us to be people of excellence.

Whatever You Want

Have you ever tried to get a group to decide something?  There is always someone who says that they don't care, until someone picks, then they do.

Maybe we could go here - I don't really want a buffet.

Ok.  What about here? - That's mostly fried food.

We could always go here? - They're expensive and the service is slow.

Why don't you pick a place? - Oh, I don't care, you pick.

I suspect that you have had that conversation.  If you weren't on one side than you were on the other.

As parents we sometimes do it to our children.  We tell them that they get to choose, but we really mean is one of a few narrow options.  The choice is hamburgers or hot dogs.  They aren't allowed to choose steak.  Some friends let their three year old choose the name for their new pet bird.  The child named it, "Mine."

Carte Blanche is a French term that means literally "Blank Check".  Giving someone carte blanche is to give them complete freedom to decide and act.  Whatever the cost.  There are no restrictions, not blackout dates, no exclusions. Whatever they want, they get.

So the question is what permission do we give God to influence our lives.  We are called to give Him carte blanche, but often we are saying "Some Restrictions May Apply." or "Does not apply to holidays, weekends or other times that are inconvenient."  We say, "God you can choose, as long as it's one of these few options."

“Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth.” (Psalm 46:10 GW)

Pastor Rick Warren says, "Every day, you have to decide who’s going to be in control of your life — you or God."

When we narrow God's options in our lives, we close off many possibilities.  We restrict God to choosing hamburgers or hot dogs when He wants us to have a big porterhouse steak.

Leading People Out

In the 1980s there were several action movies based on Vietnam and they all had a similar theme. You may remember the titles, "Missing in Action", "Rambo", or "Uncommon Valor."  The idea was that there were still Americans being held captive in Vietnam after the war ended and we were sending in a person or a group to get them out.  So Sylvester Stallone or Chuck Norris go in against the odds, a great personal risk and with many explosions and a stirring sound track manage to set them free.

This is the call of Christianity, to set people free.  Most people have issues in our lives that there is no getting over on our own.  We all think of alcohol or drug addiction, but there are plenty more.  The chains that bind us are those things that keep us from God's purpose.  Ego, Greed, Lust, Insecurity....  They can all be prisons from which we need to be set free.

One difference between the action movies and the prisons that we find ourselves in is that the prisoners in those movies always wanted to be set free,  Chuck Norris didn't fight his way in just to be told, "No thanks. I'm good here."  Some people just aren't ready to be set free.  They don't see the problem.  They aren't ready to give it up and move on.  But God is waiting, and he will be ready when they are.

The tag line in the movie "Missing in Action" is The war's not over until the last man comes home.  And so it is for us.  The war continues as each of us is freed from what binds us and as we help those around us get freed from their own.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. - Galatians 5:1

Risk - Reward

How comfortable are you with risk?  Are you willing to take a chance, roll the dice, jump in with both feet?  Some people find risk taking thrilling.  They love the adrenaline rush from the risk or at least a perceived risk.

Amusement parks have a lot of thrill rides, but they aren't risky.  The rides go high and move fast, but they are incredibly safe.  You are much more likely to get hurt driving to the amusement park than at the park itself.  Bungee jumping, rock climbing, even skydiving have multiple safe guards so that we can experience the thrill of being risky, but without risking anything.  And that's not the same thing as real risk.

Real risk only comes when there is something to lose.  Some things feel like a bigger risk than they really are.  Shark attacks are exceptionally rare.  Kids are much more likely to be injured by a pool or a trampoline than a gun.  There are no records of anyone, ever, at anytime having been killed by a meteorite.  And people are not putting poison in Halloween candy.

Insurance is all about controlling loss.  When we buy insurance we are saying that I will accept a guaranteed amount of loss now (the premium) so that I am sure there will not be a greater loss later.  The balance between rates, risk and reward are what the insurance industry is all about.

In most situations involving risk. we need to balance the risk with the potential reward.  If I am putting a lot on the line, there better be a chance at a big payout at the end.  I have heard that among people who invest in commodity futures, only a very small percentage make money (less than 10%)  but for those people who do, the payout can be significant.  Even when there is potentially a big reward, risk takes courage.  CS Lewis said, “Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”

  So what about Christianity?  Is it safe or risky?  It really depends on the payout or the significance that we want our Christian walk to have.

So what do Christians risk.  In some countries Christians are persecuted and the risks can involve arrest and imprisonment or worse.  In the United States there is not that type of risk.  The types of risks that we take involve our reputation and our standing.  It is the risk of being embarrassed.  So is this a perceived risk like skydiving or tainted Halloween candy or a real risk?

Vacation

Soupstones is taking a week or so off.  I hope that everyone has a happy holiday.

See you next week.

I Am Sorry That You Feel That Way

Have  you ever heard the non-apology apology?  They are very common in politics and public relations.  A speaker reads a statement that acknowledges no wrong doing and generally expresses remorse for something unrelated to the actual problem.  They are more sorry that they have to read this statement than anything else.  There is actually a wikipedia page on this.

It is like saying, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." It says this is your problem not mine.  It's about how you perceive my actions not what I have done.  It is like saying, "I'm not sorry at all, I just wish that you weren't upset with me."

How many of us take the same approach with God.  I am sorry that you feel that way God, but I am still doing my own thing.  I know what you want from me God, and I am sorry that you feel that way.  We know what the right choice is, but that is not what we are going to do.  And we are sorry that God has a problem with it.  We see it as God's problem, not ours.

So what area of our lives do we tell God, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." CS Lewis described redemption as total surrender, obedience to God's will over our own.  I think where God is calling for surrender, we sometimes try to make do with a cease fire. 

Selective Deafness

A mother takes her son to the doctor and tells the doctor that she thinks that there is something wrong with his hearing.  "Half the time, when I say something to him, he doesn't seem to hear me." The doctor looks at the young man and asks, "How old are you?" "Twelve and a half", he replies.  The doctor looks at the mother and says, "I imagine in six months he won't hear you at all."

We all have the ability to suffer from selective deafness.

So many  of us only hear what we want to hear.  That comes from not really listening to someone who is telling us something we don't like.  But it also comes from only listening to advice that confirms the position that we have already set.  

Say that you are going to buy something on line.  You go to the web site.  You look at the reviews, but only read the ones with five stars, even when there are several lower reviews right there.  Cable news is segmented so we only hear that from our political perspective.  And when we want advice, we go to a friend that will support our decision, not one that will be honest no matter what.  It's selective deafness.

And so it goes as we make decisions that affect our lives.  God is still speaking, but we do not listen.  Maybe we think that we won't like the answer and maybe we know the answer, we just don't want to hear it.

We live in an amplified world.  We are so used to everything coming at us at high volume that we have lost the art of listening.  When Lincoln spoke the Gettysburg Address, there were no microphones or loud speakers.  He spoke up and everyone paid attention.  

We need to give God that much attention.  We need to take time and quiet ourselves and pray and then listen.  That is if we want to hear what He is saying.

What We Know That Just Ain't So

Have you ever looked at a magician performing a trick and tried to figure it out.  The trick is always always always in the place where you think its not.  Ask yourself what part of the trick do I know for sure, the box is empty, the cup is solid, the page is blank, there you will find the trick.

I think that the problem is not the unknown unknowns.  It is the things that we put into the known column, but are really unknowns.  Or as that old saying goes, "It's not what we don't know, it what we do know but just ain't so."

In education, there isn't anything harder to break through than a long held misconception.  You understand the world is like this, but it is really like that.  It is not true that your blood is blue sometimes and red at others, men don't have less ribs than women and water does not go down a drain differently in the northern hemisphere than in the southern hemisphere.  (Really!)  The problem is what we know but just ain't so.

This is a particular challenge when it comes to making life decisions.  We think that the best course is this but later discover that it should have been that.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3: 5-6

When faced with a problem there are certain things that I know to be true.  

• Most problems are solved by either by hard work or ignoring it and letting it solve itself.
• Most decisions are best decided by weighing the costs, benefits and risks.
• If I am worried about being caught, it's probably a bad idea.

But what if these are the things I know that just ain't so?  What if the best course is one that makes absolutely no sense, that I am somewhat embarrassed by that sounds crazy when I say it out loud.  It is only by trusting in God and getting in the habit of seeking His wisdom that we can know the difference.

Hold on Loose - It's a Bumpy Ride

I heard a story a while back about a driver who was ticketed for not securing their baby seat in the car.  He told the officer that he needed the seat belt for holding the cases of beer.  It's all about priorities.

What's important to you?  Try this, imagine that there is a flood and you are evacuating.  You have a few minutes to throw in the car 8-10 things.  Everything else would be ruined in the flood, lost to looters, gone.  What would it be?   Round 2 - Imagine you wake up in the night and the house in on fire.  You have to get out now.  What do you grab on the way out of the door.  What is important to you?

This exercise really isn't fair.  The lists will focus on the things that are the hardest to replace.  The file with birth certificates and other documents makes the list because of this reason.  There is a lot of information on the computer that I hate to lose.  Can't forget the photo albums and the paintings.  In the fire example I often think of my glasses and a pair of shoes as being important.  Oh yeah, we should get the family out too.  I wonder how the list would change if there were no insurance and every thing we didn't take was really gone and not to be replaced.

God calls us to have a lose hold of our possessions.   Every thing that we own, own's us.  There is the maintenance and the responsibility of looking after it.  The things that we hold tightly can be a hindrance to the purpose that he has for us.

I have tried to picture what it would be like to sacrifice my son.  I have tried, but to be honest, there is no scenario that I picture where I actually go through with it.  I know in the Bible that Abraham did not have to sacrifice Isaac, but Abraham didn't know that at the time.  I know intellectually that my family is already God's and not mine.  I know that no matter how much I love my family God loves them more.  But being honest, I can't picture how I would be able to do it.  Maybe Abraham thought the same thing on the way up the mountain.  Maybe that's why God built a nation through Abraham and not through me.

Significance

The joke goes - What is big and gray and doesn't matter?  An Irrephant.

Throughout history, popular trouble makers have been offered the same deal. You quit making such a fuss and we will leave you alone.  We both can have everything really easy, all that's necessary is that you need to go off an be irrelevant.

It was offered to Dr. King, to Nelson Mandela, to Ghandi.  It was even offered to George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life".   Old Mr. Potter offers George a great job.  All George has to do is give up the building and loan and the help and impact he is having in his town.  All he needs to be is irrelevant and everything will be easy.

In the book of acts, the Disciples are offered the deal.  They don't need to be in trouble, they just need to stop making such a fuss.

The apostles were brought in and made to appear before the Sanhedrin to be questioned by the high priest. “We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name,” he said. “Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to make us guilty of this man’s blood.”

Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than human beings!  The God of our ancestors raised Jesus from the dead—whom you killed by hanging him on a cross. God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might bring Israel to repentance and forgive their sins. We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him.”

When they heard this, they were furious and wanted to put them to death. But a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a teacher of the law, who was honored by all the people, stood up in the Sanhedrin and ordered that the men be put outside for a little while. Then he addressed the Sanhedrin: “Men of Israel, consider carefully what you intend to do to these men. Some time ago Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing.  After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He too was killed, and all his followers were scattered.  Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

His speech persuaded them. They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Messiah. Acts 5:27-42

So the apostles didn't take the deal either.  Significance requires risk.

I suppose that throughout history there have been many who have taken the deal, avoided the risks and went away quietly.  They avoided the risks and lived safe.  I can't tell you who any of them are, because what they did, didn't matter.

You Got This

They showed this  video in church this morning in honor of Father's Day.  I wanted to share it.

Change

Some people don't like change.  We get used to a pattern, and we like that pattern to repeat itself.  We sit in the same places, buy the same brands, eat the same foods, and there is nothing wrong with it.  Our patterns make us comfortable.

But it never lasts, change is inevitable.  Sooner or later that restaurant closes, they stop making that brand, someone rearranges the chairs, they decide that facebook needs a new look. 

Some of these changes are miner irritations, but some are really a big deal.  Changes at the workplace or home can have serious impacts on life and they can be stressful.  It is through these life changing transitions that we really need to trust God and lean on the stability that He gives us.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: - Ecclesiastes 3:1 

Changes are inevitable, the only question is how we deal with them.  And when the real big changes come, the question is will we walk through them alone or according to God's plan.

Never Stop Learning

My grandfather played the organ.  He has two organs in his living room and a large lesley speaker to go with them.  When I was young and we would visit he would often play.  What I didn't realize then was that he never learned to play until after he retired.  He had many interests, he worked on cars, repaired radios and he had a creative approach to home wiring, but evidently he wanted to play music.  So after 30 years of working at Chrysler, he learns to play the organ.  We are never too old to learn something new.

Learning isn't about age, it's about curiosity.  Learning is about opening ourselves up to new ideas and new information.  Whether it is because we want to know it, or because we need to know it, the process is the same.  

Some lessons are hard to learn.  Some of the hardest are the personal lessons on how we live our lives.  Of course the challenging part isn't learning what to do, but to put that knowledge into practice.  Most of have some unhealthy practices.  The problem isn't that we don't know.  The kind of learning that makes us change what we do, is often a bit harder.

And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual. The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned - 1 Corinthians 2:13-14

In school I have heard it said that some people teach for 30 years, others teach that first year 30 times.  I suppose every profession is like that.  Some people do it the same over and over, never improving.  Others use the experience to make improvements so that each time through is a little different and hopefully a little better.  Which are you.

Twenty Moves Ahead

Recently on a news program they were interviewing scientists about the possibility of an asteroid hitting the Earth.  At one point the interviewer asked, what if they found a large asteroid a few weeks away from hitting the Earth on a collision course, what would we do?  The astronomer's was, "Pray."  His opinion was that if it was that close, it would be too late to do anything, but if we saw it coming 20 year away, we could give it a little nudge.  Just running something into it would slow it a bit and over 20 years it would make the difference, but it would take time.

How often are there things in life like the asteroid?  If we were to make small changes long ago, we would be in a better position today.  Health issues are like this, finances. relationships... what else.  Some of these are predictable, and others we never see coming.

Life really isn't so much like the asteroid as a Rube Goldberg device.  Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist that drew overly complicated machines to do a simple purpose.  One thing leads to another to another.  Much like the kids game Mouse Trap.

Comparing life to either the asteroid or the Rube Goldberg device is misleading because there is not a single task to complete.  There are multiple interlocking outcomes to achieve.  I want my son to grow up to be a healthy, responsible adult, and I want a healthy marriage, and have a successful career and and and and and.    There is no way for me to see all the moves, all of the possibilities, all of the asteroids.  

Luckily God's got my back.  What seems impossible for me is all in God's plan an he sees more than a few moves ahead.

God has the long view and sees the potential pitfalls and problems long before we do.  We just need to be in a position to listen to the plan and follow His will for us.

For a Purpose

Many people think that they would like to be a millionaire, but what they really mean is that they want to spend a million dollars.  And that's not really the same thing.*

Once you spend the million bucks, it's gone.  A millionaire invests the money wisely and uses the proceeds, and doesn't just make out a shopping list.  Some people who have tremendous wealth make the most of it. do great things and help society.  Other people spend their money on their own comforts and status with little regard for others.  How many times have you heard stories of people self destructing after winning the lottery?  Life becomes all about making themselves happy.

God's are a little like this.  Many people want God's blessings without walking in His purpose.  They want to win the spiritual lottery and have the floodgates of heaven open on them, but they want those blessings with little regard to how God would have them use them.

God's blessings have a purpose.  They do not come to make our lives easy but to advance His causes.  

I think that we sometimes get it backwards.  We think that if I had the money I would give to charity, help people, make large donations, pay for this, pay for that.  If only if we had the resources.  Maybe the key is to not think about the resources, but to focus on God's purpose.  If we are following God's purpose, the resources will be there.

*I got that line from somewhere, but I can't find the original source.

Be Prepared

Do you ever have to work with someone who is not prepared?  You show up at a meeting or an event and they haven't done anything to get ready.  There is that time of fumbling and plodding while everyone tries to figure out what is going on.

It's not that we can't get by or make it work, it's that being unprepared cheats us out of making the most of a situation.  If we are doing everything at the last minute, our standard becomes "good enough" and not "excellence".  A friend of mine says that there is a difference between a job done and a job well done.  

The same is true in our walk with God.  We need to be prepared to get the biggest impact from what God does.  

I don't think that we can just get up one day and say, I am going to now be someone who is excellent.  I think that excellence requires practice so that it becomes a habit.  The same is true for preparedness. We need to make it a habit so that it feels like the norm, not a special event.

The same goes with our walk with God.  We need to always be prepared so that when God does move, we will be ready to make the most of His blessings.

Christian Maturity

Spit wads, fart noises, wet willies, and the like is the kind of humor where a little goes a long way.  Adolescent behavior is tiring enough when it comes out of an adolescent.  It gets really hard to take when it comes from someone who should know better.

 There are stages of Christian maturity as well.  We start out as enthusiastic young Christians and gradually mature and grow.  In spiritual matters like in all areas, some people just never grow up. In this area it's hard to say what growing up looks like.  It really depends on where your walk started. I would say that we expect that as a Christian matures. the fruit of the spirit will be more evident in their life.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

How we speak is one area where we show our Christian maturity.  Gossiping is the equivalent of shooting spiritual spit wads.

Words have power.  How we use that power says a lot about us.  Do we use the power to lift people up or put people down.  That is what really matters.

That Conversation

Have you ever needed to have one of those conversations?  The one that you would like to avoid but you know that you need to have.  How do you bring up an awkward subject?  How do we have a conversation about an awkward topic so that the person hears us and doesn't become defensive?

 

The conversation will be different depending on the topic and the person, but one key in all of it is to show Grace.  Grace is a little hard to define, but try this.  In an argument or a heated conversation have you ever thought of that perfect zinger that will really put them in their place. Sometimes we come up with it only after its over, but we sure know what we should have said.  Grace is the opposite of that.

Grace is about forgiveness and consideration, not right and wrong.  Grace shows that you care more about the person than the issue.  Grace is more about communication and less about winning.
Speaking with grace is not easy, but if what you want is to solve the issue and preserve your relationship, it's really the only way.

That's What I Heard

Urban legends are these tall tails that keep getting recycled and passed around through email or facebook or what ever.

One of my favorites is the story that Pepsi put the pledge of allegiance on a pop can but removed the words "Under God" from it as not to offend unbelievers.  The story goes on to suggest that we not offend Pepsi with our money that also has the word God on it.  The problem is the story isn't true.

So how did the story get started? In 2001, shortly after the 9-11 attacks, Dr Pepper produced a special can that said only "One Nation...Indivisible" with the goal of emphasizing our unity in the crisis. (More Here)

The kicker is that Dr Pepper is made by Coke, not Pepsi.  How do these things get started?  It's like the game of telephone.  One person tells the next, who tells the next and so on.  By the time it gets to the end, it's a whole new story. And there's always that one person in the middle that changes the story on purpose, just to make it more entertaining.  Real gossip is like that too.

We have to consider our sources.  Does this person really know what is going on?  If I hear it twice, did they both get it from the same person and so it is still one source?  Is what is being said even reasonable?  Even if it could be true and the sources are reliable, IS IT ANY OF MY BUSINESS?  That may be the big one right there.  I have two friends that I know in different ways that both come from the same small town.  Once I asked one if they knew the other.  Their response was, it's a small town, you don't always know the people, just their business.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. - Exodus 20:16

I think this is a big deal today.  When we click share, when we forward, we are now the source of the information.  It is now our credibility at stake.  It is our responsibility to be sure it is true.  Somehow it doesn't feel the same but it is.  Most people would say that creating a lie about someone is a bad thing.  Telling information that may or may not be true is no better.

Don't believe everything that you hear and don't repeat it either.

Removing All Doubt

"Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt", - There is some debate over who coined this phrase.  Some give credit to Abraham Lincoln and others credit Mark Twain.  On either case, the sentiment is true.  It repeats the idea expressed in Proverbs 17:28 - Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Some people can speak a lot without saying anything.  Just because it passes through our brain it does not need to come out of our mouth.

It's like using powerpoint.  Have you ever sat through an awful powerpoint presentation?  Page after page is filled with text in a small font and then the speaker insists on reading it to you.  A real snoozer.  It's better to focus on a few important points than to try to include everything.  

When you are trying to communicate an idea, a few well placed words can go farther than an ocean of noise.

You can't really use the shotgun effect when you communicate.  A shotgun sends a spread of pellets hoping that a couple hit the target.  Communicating isn't like that.  You can't spread out a lot of ideas and hope that you get credit for the good ones.

Ultimately the way that we communicate to others is important to our relationships and that's why it's also important to God.

Watch Your Mouth

Have you ever said something and right away regretted it.  Either the comment sounded better in your head or maybe it never went through your brain on the way to your lips.  Some comments are made not because we believe they are true, but only for the impact they get.

There is an old saying that sticks and stones will break my bones but names will not hurt me.  We all know that's not true.  The things that we hear can hurt worse than any stone.

We all know words can lift us up or words can put us down.  We have great power in what we say, but with that great power comes great responsibility.  There are those people who say rude comments regularly.  Their excuse is, "I say what I think.  People can accept me or not."  I think that's too easy.  We don't get  free pass to say I can hurt people and if you don't like it, that's YOUR problem.  I think that we all have a responsibility to each other.

When little kids say bad words it is a common punishment to wash their mouth out with soap.  Let's clean the filth right out.  This of course is usually reserved for cuss words, not mean words.  It's more about the words than the context.  But context does matter.

And so does tone.  How we say things is at least as important as what we say.  I had a speech class once.  One of the lessons of the class is that the burden of communication falls on the communicator.  If you are sending the message it is important that you send it in a way that others will perceive it correctly.  

Ultimately you need to ask yourself if you are the kind of person that cares about other people or if you are indifferent to them.  If you care about people, make sure that your words show it.